OK, so I’m a little late with this annual posting. Partly because I’ve had some bigger issues on the plate, and partly because the initial novelty has actually worn off.
So, it’s been five years since I’ve started seriously working on this. The next five years might be more important. I have to figure out how deep this all truly goes.
At least I don’t have to worry (much) about the U.S. political climate for the next four of those five years. Obama won, Romney lost. If Romney had won, I would have been afraid of the inevitable attempts to increase the costs and consequences of some of my potential choices. There would have been a potential increase in the shouts from the distance that, “you DO have choices, you can find a woman and not wear skirts out!” There was a chance that, if I find that I do have to transition, that I would have been forced to give up all control over my body to others to achieve it, assuming that I was even allowed to. I would have been constrained in choice of partner by those very same sorts.
At best, I would have found my rights caught up in the crossfire of the Republican’s war against gays and women, even if my rights weren’t directly in their crosshairs.
But still, that’s a bit of digression. The big thing for the next five years for me, is to determine if I need – or should – transition.
I had the opportunity this past year to attend a local anime convention entirely “enfemme”, over 30 hours over the course of three days presenting in my “comfort mode” to people. I’ve had “full” weekends in the past, but those have tended to come up to only about 10-15 hours overall, and much of that with a friend that I’m just myself around regardless. There was not a lot of self-consciousness to be had that weekend.
Overall, though, I have determined that my dysphoria is really not all that strong, although it is there. And it’s not terribly well related to my body, it’s not a horrid thing I see in the mirror every morning, although there are things I’d still like to fix, like the need to shave every day. It’s mostly on the social side of the coin, the way I can be treated by others, even when they’re aware of the body that I’m masking under clothes.
So I expect to do a fair amount of soul searching regarding that.
On another side, I’ve become comfortable enough with my identity that it’s easier to accept being a “big sister” to a member or two of the community that can use guidance and support. I did some of it back in Second Life, but I had felt somewhat more uncomfortable with it at the time, mostly because in many ways I was scarcely ahead of those who were looking up to me as an example. Now, I’m far enough along that I’m willing to give the pushes and shoves some people need. I’m hoping that I’m doing things right.