“I don’t hate you, Cardassian. I hate what I became because of you.” – Miles O’Brien
I still have a fair amount of anger and sadness that I dip back into far more often than I care to, even though it’s been more than a year since I talked to either major participant in my poly nightmare.
A fair amount of that would seem directed at Caradoc, but only a tiny fraction of it is actually generated by his actions, and most of that was his lying and manipulating me in the ‘relationship broken, add more people’ flavor.
The rest, well, is more that I hate who I became, and the regrets generated from my own actions.
I found I was willing to say hurtful things, even if they were truthful, to others. I was more than willing to admit love, and that I felt entitled. I even made promises that I wasn’t sure I could keep, in the efforts of trying to make a friend that I’m not sure I was making a friend for the right reasons.
I regret making those broken promises. I regret, wholeheartedly, making comments and taking actions that hurt another in the process of pursuing a love that wasn’t, ultimately, a good love, or even those actions in the pursuit of any love at all that hurt another.
I pushed him at another who he was interested in, not knowing his home life, not even bothering to ask the questions about his home life that needed to be asked.
I regret not letting go of the relationship when I found out the truth, I regret not leaving the instant I found out so that I could sort out my own head.
I regret trying to sort myself out in the middle of the firestorm.
I regret that his partner, in the midst of all that, cannot ever consider me a friend, and I regret that I was ever in a situation that, even at the start, she never really wanted to consider me her friend, and that she ultimately took action to ensure, after all was said and done, I can’t consider her my friend either.
And, worst of all, I’ve gotten to the point that I regret the relationship itself, as wonderful as part of it might have been for me at the time, since it was built on a shaky foundation and I had my own part in making it far, far worse. I’ve shown that I have to watch myself in any relationship for signs I’m putting it so far above any other relationship that I’m willing to hurt others, even by hurtful honesty. I have to watch the people important to that partner to see if I’m being accepted, or if they’re just humoring for the sake of ‘happiness’. I can’t even consider jumping into a sexual or relationship situation without looking and checking for any potential issues, even if it means I have to let most of the opportunities slip past.
I don’t hate Rose, her behavior was understandable given the circumstances. I don’t hate Caradoc, although I should. I just hate who I became, because of him.