More old wound stuff

(Quotes come from, used with permission.)

I’ve come to the conclusion that, the cyber relationship I had last year, the one that exploded so badly in my face that even now I’m cynical and capable of flinching at some things in other relationships that I see.

First, just so you know, this came about just a bit after I started presenting as Lynn online. I started in a chat room, creating a second account and using that. It was an open secret that I was ‘playing’ a female role. It was a chat room of a more… adult nature. A fetish chatroom that was more like the old MultiUser Dungeons.

I’ll admit, I had a bit of a virtual libido with the role, since there was this new banquet set before me. I’ll also admit, I lost track of the number of virtual partners I had. Cybersex was my game, and there were a lot of takers. But, like one would expect, it was all about the sex. A few were good for some conversation, but for the most part, it was go do it, and that was it.

Then Cary came into the picture.

He was one that I could be with, but in the times we weren’t typing naughty actions back and forth, he treated me like a real person. A human being. And, at least in the small ways, like a real girl. And he was willing to tell me a lot about himself, or at least it seemed to be so at the time.

Little did I know it was all part of his plan.

We became friends… and I started falling in love with this presented man, without realizing it. He talked a bit about what he did, he told me his name, let me in on some of his family history, and eventually that he was in an open relationship. I followed him into Second Life. He became so important that I’d willingly spend time online rather than going out with my friends. He would lavish attention on me, spend time with me, and otherwise make me feel like I was the center of his world. He affirmed me in so many ways.

Making me love him more, and not wanting him to leave.

Then, one day, he asked if I wanted to meet his partner Rose. I said yes.

While the decision was the right one, it would lead me to a world of pain because of where I’d been put.

While she was on the surface willing to be my friend, she did reveal to me the first of the ugly truths that, for anyone who was sane, would have had them running for the hills.

They were married.

Due to something he did, that she refused to discuss, she had asked that the relationship be closed.

He had lied to me. But, sadly, due to the amount of love…. no, dependence upon him that he’d cultivated in me over the past several months, I was willing to forgive him on some level. I didn’t cut him off like I should’ve. Instead, I merely asked that we place the relationship on hold until his marriage was in better shape.

“If you are with someone not because you feel that you are a better person for knowing them and they are a better person for knowing you, but because you are afraid to be alone, then that is not a good, solid relationship. If you are with someone because they don’t support you but then again they don’t laugh at you, then that is not a good basis for a romantic relationship. If you are with someone because you can control how they feel about you, then THAT is not a good basis for a relationship.”

This was the first of the really bad decisions I’d make over the course of the next year and a half.

For one thing, his wife, that I befriended, took all my promises and decided that I should have no wiggle room. Now, granted, I was the intruder, and she’d been placed in an equally bad position, but we’ll get back to that.

Cary, being the sly devil that he was, would still want to spend all sorts of time with me, and there was a subtle but insidious pressure that we should get back together. He’d always pine for the days that we had. I’d hang out with him, and his wife. We’d even go ballroom dancing together.

They even came out to visit me in Colorado for a week.

Then came the day where we were checking out a place for a little bondage exercise. Now, I’ll admit, I was stupid, but in the heat of the moment, with his wife right there, we cybered for the first time in a couple of months. I later found out that he’d threatened to log out if she did, and a few other things. I’d relied on him to tell me the truth when I asked, rather than doing the proper thing and asking her if it was OK.

And even now, I have to wonder if she’d have been truthful if I’d asked directly.

She was hurt. She felt promises were broken. I felt horrible, and put a lock down again, this time making promises in the heat of the moment to her that I was going to be held to.

She started pushing me in small ways, comments about him, complaints, that were designed to move me away.

At the same time, he continued his pressure to get back with me.

I’d do something with him, or skirt the edge of a promise… she’d call me on it, and I’d swing the other way, and he’d act hurt at me, like I was intentionally digging the dagger in… she’d be hurt, treating me like a fire, and not telling me how I could make amends for the fact that I couldn’t seem to keep my promises.

Then, finally, I swung hard one way once too often, and Cary sent me an email closing off any ‘romantic’ potential in the relationship. And indeed, wanting to cut off all contact.

How do I know it was ultimately a manipulative, abusive relationship? When the ‘romantic’ part was shut away for good, he told me, “you’ll never find anyone as accepting as I was”. TheWife over at said it best here, even if the context is slightly different:

“Telling your spouse that they can’t find someone better than you is abuse. It’s also an asshole thing to do. Don’t do it, even if you’re afraid they’ll leave you, even if you think they can’t. They can and they will. And that person they find will not only accept them for who they are and support them, but they’ll also be WAY more understanding about every other aspect of their lives too. I guarantee it.”

In retrospect, at this point, all the bad decisions, I should’ve just let things be, and go to lick my own wounds. But, since we also had a mutual friend that, at the time, we were both in the same group with (the events up to this point caused me to lose my membership in the group, and even anything past friendship with her, but in that, I’m fairly certain that what happened only accelerated the loss of that loving relationship). We agreed to at least make up a little bit for her sake.

Even now, I was afraid of losing him, and was willing to compromise with keeping him around as a friend.

Rose, in the meantime, continued to groan about the state of the marriage. Cary did, but only in terms of feeling like he couldn’t talk to me anymore about how things were. He also started withdrawing support as I started working on getting out into the real world again. I recognized that part of the problem I was having was that the cyber world had become too important to me, and I started a campaign of ‘days offline’ where I’d go to my friend Mike’s, or otherwise find stuff to do. It’s still a good step to have taken, even with what I know now.

I started feeling less and less like I had Cary as a friend anymore. I began to separate out my desires for him from the trust of him, and realized that I had no trust left. I couldn’t forget, and I found I was having trouble forgiving, because of all the pain of being thrust into the middle of what I was determining to be a marriage that was effectively over, if the two people involved would notice the smell of the body.

Finally, with a ‘what you think you need to do’ response to another of my stages of pulling away from the online from him, one that was pretty much that he was expressing his disappointment in me, I decided I’d had enough. There was no support left from him at this point.

So, in a major decision, I deleted my bookmarks for the website I’d first met him at. I deleted the landmarks in Second Life for where he’d hang out. And then I went into my various Friends lists, and removed him from every single one.

Then, I told Rose what I’d done.

She exploded at me.

Apparently, she was only still talking to me for Cary’s benefit. And she’d only ever really made any effort towards me because he’d wanted her to. She’d made some allusion to being angry, and that she was not going to express it. But the magnitude of the anger I got from her was well out of proportion.

I realized that she’d been lying to me as well. Deceiving me almost as much as he had at the beginning. All the effort I’d gone into trying to be her friend, even before I’d gotten caught in what I’ve determined to be a tug of war for my loyalties, suddenly felt like an utter waste of time and effort. In attempting to take control of her situation, in the only way she knew how while being in a relationship that I’m sure, from the mere fact that she did it ‘for his sake’ was manipulative and abusive, she became as bad as he was.

In the end, I felt used. I felt like I’d been dropped in and turned into a weapon by both sides.

I’ll admit to you here, I’m still angry on some level. If either of them contacted me again, I have no idea if I’d ignore them, or let them have it with both barrels for treating me like a bargaining chip in their domestic squabble.

Be aware, though, that I can thank them for making me examine myself a little more thoroughly than I have in the past. I’ve determined that I have a serious problem with desiring affirmation from others. This is something I plan on working on, so that it won’t be nearly as easy in the future to suck me in through that method.

Also, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to be very unforgiving of lying. Not all lies… some lies, like kids believing in Santa, or the plans you have for that surprise birthday party for someone. Those are benign.

I’m talking about the lies intended to deceive. The intent to get someone to do something or think certain things on a false premise. The lies where, had I known the truth, I wouldn’t have done something someone wanted me to do, or would have done something that someone would rather I didn’t. In fact, I think I want just brutal honesty, not even the white lies about whether I look fat in something or not.

I want a new standard of trust for the people I’m with. And don’t think you’ll ever be so important to me that I won’t can you for violating that trust. And don’t think you can get me into a position of devotion where I will forgive. For the scar runs deep this time, and I’ll always know it’s there.


About lynnindenver

Lynn is the identity of a tgirl residing in Denver, Colorado, standing member of the local chapter of Tri-Ess, and general social gurl.
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5 Responses to More old wound stuff

  1. Being drawn into the middle of a bad relationship… someone using the “relationship broken; add more people” model of relationships, and people who lie to get you there? It sucks. A lot. Been there, got fucked over by that, and I’m not over it enough to really forgive them yet.
    But mistakes happen, and everyone has a past. Just learn from it and don’t let the same thing happen again.

    • lynnindenver says:

      Oh, I’m planning on learning from every harsh life lesson that got lumped into this whole mess.
      I’m annoyed, though, that they all came together at once like that.

      • That’s the nature of drama and serious issues. It always turns out that far too many things happen at once, rather than letting you deal with one thing at a time.

  2. aboutjake says:

    Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.

    • lynnindenver says:

      It does throw a few things in perspective out there. And I’m certain you can see why your one blog post did at least skirt around the edges of my experience so much that I noticed.

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