Well, just to give you the gist the bad year I had, starting in 2007 and continuing through to the middle of this year:
I was in two seemingly wonderful online relationships near the end of 2006. One of these was with a guy out in Virginia, the other was with a Scottish girl. It was very much a polyamor situation. We were all having fun with it.
Then I found out a few things, and didn’t have the emotional tools to handle it correctly.
He had me meet with the person that he had been involved in, in what he had said was a fairly open relationship. It turns out that, first, they were married, and second, because of problems they were having, it was no longer open.
When I confronted him on that, he logged out.
Of course, now, I know that in that sort of circumstance, at that level of dishonesty, it is best to break off all contact.
I didn’t do that. Instead, I tried to ‘keep it platonic’ until they got the issues sorted out and on an even keel. So I wound up wavering back and forth, swinging to both ends of the situation and making everyone miserable. As a result, she didn’t like me, didn’t think I was redeemable, and the best I’d ever have with him was a fragile friendship. I’m not proud of this
Now, keep in mind, she agreed to meet me, and tried to be friends with me for his sake, never mind that I was basically starting off with at least one black mark against me in her little book. This I found out later, when I finally decided that hanging around in any capacity was making me miserable, in her parting shots to me.
As another factor, my trashing about resulted in the other relationship, who may not have been entirely aware of my feelings for her, losing respect for me. She kicked me out of the House we shared in Second Life, and got to the point we never really talked much, incredibly sarcastic, and willing to take out any and all her stresses on me.
Sometimes I wonder if the relationship would’ve survived even without the stuff with him, but that’s water under the bridge at this point.
While I learned a lot about myself, it wasn’t very pleasant to have learned:
That I cannot be around someone I’m not supposed to be with when I love them.
Dishonesty will utterly destroy anything it touches.
I can be awfully codependent if I don’t watch myself.
Unless the relationship was already vetted for, being involved in what amounts to a sordid affair is not a good way to start a friendship with someone’s spouse.
Or girlfriend/boyfriend, for that matter.
It’s entirely too easy to get caught up in the moment, and wind up spinning out of control.
When out of control, it’s too easy to become the drama queen.
There does come a point, about 3 months earlier than giving up, when any and all efforts are utterly wasted in salvaging a relationship and proving that one can be redeemed.
I’m pretty much bisexual, transgender and polyamorous (that was painless learning in comparison to the rest, and earlier than the bad stuff too).
I was sure no saint, but everyone involved in that was at fault, in some fashion or another. I’m just taking the lessons with me.