I did kill my last Twitter account a few weeks ago. So far, I haven’t missed it. I sincerely doubt, at this point, even if they start providing the good tools, that they’ll make sufficient changes to the service to make it possible for people to properly curate their experiences there and make it impossible for the abuse to happen – they’re too wedded to the idea that “free speech is absolute” to consider that too many people out there abuse the privilege. Yes, on a service provided by a corporation, speech is indeed a privilege – only the government is restricted to needing an absolute overriding reason, such as safety, to prevent someone from speaking freely.

At this point, much like forums (I rarely join up with forums, because few of them take the need for safe space making seriously), I’m not really big on joining social networks anymore. Tumblr is probably going to be the last social media service I ever join, and I’m putting thought into closing down the remaining ones that I have accounts on that I don’t visit.

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Fucking done with Twitter

If they don’t start implementing some of the recommendations for curbing the abuse, and banning the abusers, literally before the month is out, I’m going to be done with them. They can go into the “never a site to use” alongside places like Reddit.

Hell, I might just delete it anyway, even if they do start making progress.

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Well, that was awkward

So yesterday, I posted a tweet paraphrasing a conversation I had with my husband regarding breakfast.

“That’s not a burrito.” “ says it is.” “Scalzi says a lot of things, sweetheart.”

This morning, I got an email from Twitter saying Rose had “liked” it. She uses a pretty unique username, so I’m sure it was her.

My Twitter account was opened after all that stuff had gone down between us, and uses a different username than any I’d used regularly at the time, so I’m pretty sure she didn’t realize whose account it is. Plus, I’ve had people not recognize me in photos, and she really had only seen me in convenience mode or as a Second Life avatar anyway.

I went ahead and applied a block; she had no desire to see me or talk to me again, and now that I’m aware she’s there, I can take steps to ensure that wish is respected. Plus, I’d really prefer to not see her username come up in my feed; while I will always regret my behavior towards her, I also don’t feel like chancing her getting back in touch and attempting to get me to untangle my own feelings and what happened between us. Basically, I don’t really want to see or talk to her again either, nor do I want to untangle her role in the abuse I suffered.

Yeah, my feelings regarding this are pretty damned mixed right now.

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Eight Years – and another anniversary

Eight years of being out. A few days away from being married for a year.

We just bought a house last month. We’ve just about finished moving in, although some stuff is still in boxes. We have a proper “rec room” now, where the pachinko machines, pinball, and board games are being kept, with room to actually play it all.

The house doesn’t have a white picket fence, but I figure we can add that later.🙂

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Sorry this anniversary post is just a little bit late, but life does get a little bit in the way sometimes.

So, now over seven years since I decided to step outside and just be who I am. A lot has happened in the last year.

I moved in with my partner, and a few weeks after the court findings became final, I married hir, just a quick trip to the courthouse for us. I’ve been married before, and had all the pomp and circumstance happen then. We still need to set up for a much more casual celebratory gathering.

We started a geekery gaming video show on YouTube called “TG256”. As of this writing, 6 episodes have been posted. We’re not aiming to be incredibly prolific with it.

And pretty much all the potential novelty of being transgender has worn off at this point. Obviously, I’m not stopping with expressing it – to do so would be a short, twisty road into madville – but it’s very much now just a part of the background noise of my life, and how I live it.

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New account!

So, I just opened a Tumblr, and found out my preferred username was already taken. 

I plan on using it for musings too random or out there for this blog, and that are really too wordy for my Twitter feed.

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Now entering Year Seven

About the only thing that’s changed is that I’ve picked up a romantic partner. Her name is Chris, and she is, if anything, more transgender than I am, if that makes sense.

We’ve actually been dating for a while. Pretty much all our friends know at this point. We’re planning on moving in together next year, as well.

I’ve also been the major inspiration and impetus to her to get out of the closet and out into the world.

It’s not a smooth road, but it sure looks a lot better than the last several romantic relation paths I’ve taken.

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…I guess I’m not as heart-healed as I thought.

As I thought about it on the way home tonight from a family gathering, that I’ve lived for five years with my inability to self describe as being a nice person without qualifying it with “try to be”, I suddenly got angry at Caradoc, because it sank in that, in a very real way, he still has had a hold on my life in some small but important way. The depth of the anger surprises me, given the amount of time, but I suppose it was a long time in coming.

So, I have two words now. Fuck. Him. I’m gonna take this back from him, and end what little remnant of his influence on me.

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A Nice Person

I was emotionally abused in an online relationship for the better part of a year, about five to six years ago, by a man who lured me in, then introduced me to his wife, and also weaponized me against her, as it was definitely “relationship broken, add more people“.

Right now, I’m working through the bit regarding my own horrific actions at the time, and the fact that it was in part because of his influence that I became that person, that I’m still working on changing my internal dialogue of, “I try to be a nice person,” back into to, “I’m a nice person.”

It is, admittedly, hard to do when I had flipflopped back and forth for months, dealt with someone’s passive aggressive behavior in her own role in the shenanigans and the conflicting demands of both of them and his “desire to just have peace in his house”, and expectations that I was to act with a lack of information. I broke many promises during that time. And yes, even the regret that I should have walked away from it much sooner than I did.

I just need to know myself just that little bit better, that I can finally and truly get to where I can say to myself, to others, and believe it, that I am a nice person, and not just trying to be a nice person.

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Five Years… it’s now been Five Years…

OK, so I’m a little late with this annual posting. Partly because I’ve had some bigger issues on the plate, and partly because the initial novelty has actually worn off.

So, it’s been five years since I’ve started seriously working on this. The next five years might be more important. I have to figure out how deep this all truly goes.

At least I don’t have to worry (much) about the U.S. political climate for the next four of those five years. Obama won, Romney lost. If Romney had won, I would have been afraid of the inevitable attempts to increase the costs and consequences of some of my potential choices. There would have been a potential increase in the shouts from the distance that, “you DO have choices, you can find a woman and not wear skirts out!” There was a chance that, if I find that I do have to transition, that I would have been forced to give up all control over my body to others to achieve it, assuming that I was even allowed to. I would have been constrained in choice of partner by those very same sorts.

At best, I would have found my rights caught up in the crossfire of the Republican’s war against gays and women, even if my rights weren’t directly in their crosshairs.

But still, that’s a bit of digression. The big thing for the next five years for me, is to determine if I need – or should – transition.

I had the opportunity this past year to attend a local anime convention entirely “enfemme”, over 30 hours over the course of three days presenting in my “comfort mode” to people. I’ve had “full” weekends in the past, but those have tended to come up to only about 10-15 hours overall, and much of that with a friend that I’m just myself around regardless. There was not a lot of self-consciousness to be had that weekend.

Overall, though, I have determined that my dysphoria is really not all that strong, although it is there. And it’s not terribly well related to my body, it’s not a horrid thing I see in the mirror every morning, although there are things I’d still like to fix, like the need to shave every day. It’s mostly on the social side of the coin, the way I can be treated by others, even when they’re aware of the body that I’m masking under clothes.

So I expect to do a fair amount of soul searching regarding that.

On another side, I’ve become comfortable enough with my identity that it’s easier to accept being a “big sister” to a member or two of the community that can use guidance and support. I did some of it back in Second Life, but I had felt somewhat more uncomfortable with it at the time, mostly because in many ways I was scarcely ahead of those who were looking up to me as an example. Now, I’m far enough along that I’m willing to give the pushes and shoves some people need. I’m hoping that I’m doing things right.

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