Not too bad

A whole month of being me pretty much all the time. It’s feeling pretty good.

The makeup routine isn’t being a burden, my biggest fear is that it would have become so quite quickly. It probably helps that I have it under 15 minutes anyway.

I’ve been consistently in 5-10 minutes early to work just about every day. Before, I could wind up being a minute or so late pretty regularly – not enough to get called in, certainly, as I work at a place that is more oriented towards getting the work done than expecting perfection in timeliness ( so to speak), but it’s a noticeable sort of sign.

The only real issue with the month is another bill from my December UTI hospitalization (there’s been something like 7-8 of the things now!), from yet another outfit (I can understand how easily people can wind up completely underwater from a medical incident, given the way it’s all trickled in like this), and having to cram myself into the male box for a couple of hours of dealing with our tax accountant (which is a little box of misery now that I’m not doing it daily).

I’m also starting to come to grips with the “female tax” issues – I’m on HRT now, so I’ve had to change my deodorant already – between wardrobe items and hair styling and other things, I’m definitely on track to have to spend more per month even outside the HRT and appointments than before.

Outside of transition stuff, we’ve finally gotten some projects majorly pushed forward – I’ve built proper cabinets for our MAME setup and our virtual pinball computer, and the spare room in the house has now been transformed into a sewing room, reducing places we can just put crap we should be finding a place for or getting rid of. A whole trunkload went to the thrift yesterday.

I’m feeling lighter these days, and hopefully things continue at the pace we’ve managed to establish.

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Uh, wow

So my boss wants me to go ahead and go full time this coming week, rather than waiting until mid-April. In fact, he (and a few others) were under the impression I was doing this sooner.

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Progress in a number of areas

I’ve got my first month’s prescription! I’ll be starting to take it in the morning – a pill every day, increasing to two if I tolerate it well, to block the T, and a patch a week to wear to get the E. I’m a variety of nervous and excited at the same time. I’m probably not going to make a separate “second birthday” for the event; it’s actually my regular birthday on Monday, and it really doesn’t make sense to me to celebrate a separate thing two days before.

I’ve already had one session of laser (ouch!) to deal with beard growth, which has already made a slight difference. It should be more pronounced with the hormones.

I’m also now “out” at work, with the idea that I’ll be presenting in my comfort mode there by the middle of next month. It’s gone well, but that’s been a lot of people to come out to in a two day span of time.

Chris has been asking if I want to do any sort of documentation of my progress as I dive into transition, like a once a week photo or a vlog; I’m not sure quite yet.

I’ve got to start planning on when I’m going to get my name changed, and also under consideration is what I’d like to have for a middle name. All I know so far is we need to wait until after we get our taxes done.

Past that, I’m just moving this forward a day at a time.

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Oh, remember when I wrote two years ago…

…that I expected to no longer have my Tumblr account in about five years?

It’s looking a little like my prediction was a few years off.

Looks like it’s likely to happen this month. If not this week.

For cripes sake.

My husband actually already deleted his tonight. And I’ve already seen a couple of people basically announce that they were done with Tumblr and moving to other pastures, including a POC transwoman who does sexually positive comics and doesn’t want to dance around Tumblr’s algorithms and rules.

There is no such thing as a good place to stay on the internet unless you fucking pay for it yourself and build it yourself. Anything else is literally as temporary as the quest for more money demands.

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And 11 Years – Starting Into The Next Phase

My annual big post is a little late again, I know.

First, yeah, transition is definitely going to be a thing. I should have started the process years ago, but I had job instability rear it’s ugly head, and everything needed to get more or less stable again. We’ve got most of the ducks lined up now so I can start.

Yesterday was basically the “anniversary gift” to myself – I started buying new clothes to replenish the wardrobe. Most of my clothes had slid into “5 years or older” territory (due to the job thing), or were obviously worn out, or obviously out of style, or clearly were bought at a thrift store, or just didn’t fit correctly anymore, or never fit correctly to begin with, and with some pieces it was definitely “multiple choice” on the things wrong with them. New bras, too, after I got measured and fitted. Last night’s wedding anniversary dinner was literally the most physically comfortable I’ve ever felt, no pinching of waists or straps sagging or anything.

Needless to say, there’s going to be a wardrobe thinning in the next week or so.

My first Mile Hi Con in my most comfortable presentation also passed pretty uneventfully. I got a friend on the same page when it comes time to get one of my forum names changed over, prepared to do the, “I’ll vouch, this is a thing she’s doing,” when I talk to the forum moderator where we both have accounts.

The biggest deal for me at this point is figuring out when particular things happen, like getting the hair removed from my face, trying hormone therapy, and dealing with my workplace, which at this point is one of the few places in my life I still have to cram myself into the box that feels like it’s smaller by the week. And sometime after that is dealing with things like name changing and gender markers.

Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly.

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First day of 2018

And I actually had my first brush with a form of identifiable to me body dysphoria.

I don’t disassociate or black out or anything like that related to my bits, but there was a definite collections of actions undertaken today where I had a… disconnect between how right the actions felt, and the difference in my bits as they related to that set of actions. I’ll spare the details, as they enter deeply TMI territory.

I’m doing better after a few hours, but it’s starting to become clear that I’m now turning on lights and starting to notice things that need to be cleaned in my mental house with regards to my gender. I’m seriously suspecting that I actually have some very low level of body dysphoria buried under the social dysphoria that I already know I have.

I’m starting to feel a little like I might have taken a major step out onto a very slippery slope, and once I get moving down it, there’s not going to be a lot of control over the momentum of going down that slope.

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Last day of the year

With 2017 going out having told 2016, “hold my beer and watch this,” I’m hoping 2018 doesn’t want to outdo them both on the “be nasty to people in general” front. It’s been a very, very mixed year, especially being various bits of LGBT in this household and the horror our government is getting in as some try to undo as much progress as they can.

I’m not one for resolutions, mostly because I know they tend to get broken. Although I do know I’m going to be digging deep into the “become the best you that you can be” idea this coming year, determining what my journey really needs to be now. I’ve already had my first appoinment, with the second coming up, and I’ve already gotten some of the really important questions asked. And my spouse has my back on this, regardless of how far it has to go.

Again, hoping 2018 will be a much, much better year all around.

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OK, how deep IS the rabbit hole?

So, my dearest spouse has made some notice of how my mood goes throughout the week. Or rather, between periods of me being in Comfort Mode, doing Convenience Mode because of things like work. And that said mood can take a downward dip.

Not to a point of obvious self-destruction, there is a definite floor involved, at least with the time periods we’re talking about. I’ve managed to avoid finding out if there’s a staircase to fall down from there, if there’s a lower level involved.

But it’s actually a bit past time to look into therapy.

I’ll be likely to go into it sometime in the first of the year.


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And it’s been ten years

I’m not sure if the time’s been flying or what. I’ve been doing this for a decade now.

So, my marriage has been going pretty good. I can thank my abusers for basically kicking me into figuring out what I really needed in a relationship. It definitely made me much more willing to consider what society claimed I should want, versus what Lynn actually wants, with regards to relationships. We’ll be celebrating three years next month, and I’m expecting there’s a lot more after that we’ll be celebrating.

I’m still trying to get out once a week. It’s been a LOT harder this year than year’s past. Besides the political nightmare that is our “democratic” system showing signs of what might actually be terminal failure (and the asshats coming out of the woodwork in response that makes it at least seem like it’s less safe to be myself), plus losing a dear friend to cancer, and having a few others have serious health scares, I’m finding it much more difficult to do my own proper level of “self care” (read: get out of the house in my Comfort Mode), and it’s been making it easier to at that point slide away from my baseline. My dearest is making efforts to ensure I take the necessary time so that I can keep from getting into horrible mental trouble.

Speaking of that mental trouble, it’s even more clear these days that I have a “minimum time” requirement for my Comfort Mode, and it’s most easily satisfied (although not fully) with weekly episodes. Full weekends are best, but even a few hours can at least “keep the edge off”. It’s not that I suffer any discomfort that’s obvious to me in the moment, but I can definitely tell that my mood becomes a lot less agreeable if I don’t get at least timely doses. I’m not quite sure if it means I should transition yet, it’s going to require some definite thinking… and possibly a job change. I pretty much answer to “Lynn” with most of our groups of friends at this point, in both modes, and I don’t think any of them would bat an eye.

Right now, at least I’m (mostly) content with how things are going at home, even if the world around us is threatening to become an inferno.

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Fun near the end of nine years

This has been one of my more stressful anniversaries. And an interesting year in general. I’m still out, still doing “the thing” about once a week or so. My husband has made it pretty clear he can tell when I’m not getting enough time.

Outside of that chance Twitter favoriting by Rose (and no longer having to worry about anything Twitter because I later cancelled because they won’t deal with the toxic manchildren), I’ve been pulling back on most of my social media presence. I deleted my Flickr profile this past month, in part because of the massive breach, in part because of the massive government security breach. I finally just deleted my old Livejournal. I have no plans on making any more social media profiles; my Tumblr profile is going to be my last one, and I expect that one to go away sometime in the next five years.

On the other part of the online coin, I’ve also pretty much gotten to the point that I’ll only join forums if they provide a specific level of benefit; too many of them have insufficient policies against “shit posting” and trolls. I left one enthusiasm forum something like 3 years ago because it was clear they didn’t care about doing anything about it. It’s also pretty clear to me that the default state of the internet involves a knee-deep level of toxicity, and I’m not really keen to support places that don’t do their damndest to ensure that the toxicity has no place. The last few forums I joined because I wanted access to a download area for certain hobby work, and they provide pretty much no mechanism for anonymous downloads.

The house is taking up a fair amount of bandwidth, given that we’re the ones responsible for the exterior, and after 15 years of apartment living, that was a shock to the system. In fact, later today I’ll be going out and raking up a round of leaves. We’ve been enjoying the things like the quiet of not being literally on top of our neighbors, that we can do things at home at any hour without worrying about neighbors potentially making noise complaints, and even that we can paint the rooms and drill the walls without having to seek any sort of permission to do so. It makes the rest so worth it.

Almost two years married! Woo hoo! We’re still quite happily married, as a matter of fact.

The most stressful part of this anniversary, though, has been the election. Our democracy has been made a laughing stock in front of the international community, although to be frank (and Forrester) about it fascism is NOT a laughing matter, and even the outside chance of Trump winning this thing makes me incredibly nervous, not to mention the increased chances of the jackasses out there deciding it’s OK for them to be not only jackasses, but violent jackasses. I’ve been more ready than most years for this election season to be over, finished, so we can get back to some level of “normal”, although we’re definitely going to have to establish a new normal. And yes, I’ve already voted.

I’m to the point that I am going through my wardrobe. A definite amount of stuff in there doesn’t fit anymore, some because I’ve put on a little weight, some because it shrunk in the wash, and I’ve also got pieces that are now “orphaned”, basically with no matching component (blouse with no skirt, skirt with no good top), and I’ll need to decide whether they go too or I seek out a new mating piece. Plus, there’s the fact that I haven’t worn a lot of it lately.

In general, though, life keeps moving on, and it’s actually doing pretty well in spite of the rest of the world.

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