And it’s been ten years

I’m not sure if the time’s been flying or what. I’ve been doing this for a decade now.

So, my marriage has been going pretty good. I can thank my abusers for basically kicking me into figuring out what I really needed in a relationship. It definitely made me much more willing to consider what society claimed I should want, versus what Lynn actually wants, with regards to relationships. We’ll be celebrating three years next month, and I’m expecting there’s a lot more after that we’ll be celebrating.

I’m still trying to get out once a week. It’s been a LOT harder this year than year’s past. Besides the political nightmare that is our “democratic” system showing signs of what might actually be terminal failure (and the asshats coming out of the woodwork in response that makes it at least seem like it’s less safe to be myself), plus losing a dear friend to cancer, and having a few others have serious health scares, I’m finding it much more difficult to do my own proper level of “self care” (read: get out of the house in my Comfort Mode), and it’s been making it easier to at that point slide away from my baseline. My dearest is making efforts to ensure I take the necessary time so that I can keep from getting into horrible mental trouble.

Speaking of that mental trouble, it’s even more clear these days that I have a “minimum time” requirement for my Comfort Mode, and it’s most easily satisfied (although not fully) with weekly episodes. Full weekends are best, but even a few hours can at least “keep the edge off”. It’s not that I suffer any discomfort that’s obvious to me in the moment, but I can definitely tell that my mood becomes a lot less agreeable if I don’t get at least timely doses. I’m not quite sure if it means I should transition yet, it’s going to require some definite thinking… and possibly a job change. I pretty much answer to “Lynn” with most of our groups of friends at this point, in both modes, and I don’t think any of them would bat an eye.

Right now, at least I’m (mostly) content with how things are going at home, even if the world around us is threatening to become an inferno.

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Fun near the end of nine years

This has been one of my more stressful anniversaries. And an interesting year in general. I’m still out, still doing “the thing” about once a week or so. My husband has made it pretty clear he can tell when I’m not getting enough time.

Outside of that chance Twitter favoriting by Rose (and no longer having to worry about anything Twitter because I later cancelled because they won’t deal with the toxic manchildren), I’ve been pulling back on most of my social media presence. I deleted my Flickr profile this past month, in part because of the massive breach, in part because of the massive government security breach. I finally just deleted my old Livejournal. I have no plans on making any more social media profiles; my Tumblr profile is going to be my last one, and I expect that one to go away sometime in the next five years.

On the other part of the online coin, I’ve also pretty much gotten to the point that I’ll only join forums if they provide a specific level of benefit; too many of them have insufficient policies against “shit posting” and trolls. I left one enthusiasm forum something like 3 years ago because it was clear they didn’t care about doing anything about it. It’s also pretty clear to me that the default state of the internet involves a knee-deep level of toxicity, and I’m not really keen to support places that don’t do their damndest to ensure that the toxicity has no place. The last few forums I joined because I wanted access to a download area for certain hobby work, and they provide pretty much no mechanism for anonymous downloads.

The house is taking up a fair amount of bandwidth, given that we’re the ones responsible for the exterior, and after 15 years of apartment living, that was a shock to the system. In fact, later today I’ll be going out and raking up a round of leaves. We’ve been enjoying the things like the quiet of not being literally on top of our neighbors, that we can do things at home at any hour without worrying about neighbors potentially making noise complaints, and even that we can paint the rooms and drill the walls without having to seek any sort of permission to do so. It makes the rest so worth it.

Almost two years married! Woo hoo! We’re still quite happily married, as a matter of fact.

The most stressful part of this anniversary, though, has been the election. Our democracy has been made a laughing stock in front of the international community, although to be frank (and Forrester) about it fascism is NOT a laughing matter, and even the outside chance of Trump winning this thing makes me incredibly nervous, not to mention the increased chances of the jackasses out there deciding it’s OK for them to be not only jackasses, but violent jackasses. I’ve been more ready than most years for this election season to be over, finished, so we can get back to some level of “normal”, although we’re definitely going to have to establish a new normal. And yes, I’ve already voted.

I’m to the point that I am going through my wardrobe. A definite amount of stuff in there doesn’t fit anymore, some because I’ve put on a little weight, some because it shrunk in the wash, and I’ve also got pieces that are now “orphaned”, basically with no matching component (blouse with no skirt, skirt with no good top), and I’ll need to decide whether they go too or I seek out a new mating piece. Plus, there’s the fact that I haven’t worn a lot of it lately.

In general, though, life keeps moving on, and it’s actually doing pretty well in spite of the rest of the world.

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Anyway

I did kill my last Twitter account a few weeks ago. So far, I haven’t missed it. I sincerely doubt, at this point, even if they start providing the good tools, that they’ll make sufficient changes to the service to make it possible for people to properly curate their experiences there and make it impossible for the abuse to happen – they’re too wedded to the idea that “free speech is absolute” to consider that too many people out there abuse the privilege. Yes, on a service provided by a corporation, speech is indeed a privilege – only the government is restricted to needing an absolute overriding reason, such as safety, to prevent someone from speaking freely.

At this point, much like forums (I rarely join up with forums, because few of them take the need for safe space making seriously), I’m not really big on joining social networks anymore. Tumblr is probably going to be the last social media service I ever join, and I’m putting thought into closing down the remaining ones that I have accounts on that I don’t visit.

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Fucking done with Twitter

If they don’t start implementing some of the recommendations for curbing the abuse, and banning the abusers, literally before the month is out, I’m going to be done with them. They can go into the “never a site to use” alongside places like Reddit.

Hell, I might just delete it anyway, even if they do start making progress.

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Well, that was awkward

So yesterday, I posted a tweet paraphrasing a conversation I had with my husband regarding breakfast.

“That’s not a burrito.” “ says it is.” “Scalzi says a lot of things, sweetheart.”

This morning, I got an email from Twitter saying Rose had “liked” it. She uses a pretty unique username, so I’m sure it was her.

My Twitter account was opened after all that stuff had gone down between us, and uses a different username than any I’d used regularly at the time, so I’m pretty sure she didn’t realize whose account it is. Plus, I’ve had people not recognize me in photos, and she really had only seen me in convenience mode or as a Second Life avatar anyway.

I went ahead and applied a block; she had no desire to see me or talk to me again, and now that I’m aware she’s there, I can take steps to ensure that wish is respected. Plus, I’d really prefer to not see her username come up in my feed; while I will always regret my behavior towards her, I also don’t feel like chancing her getting back in touch and attempting to get me to untangle my own feelings and what happened between us. Basically, I don’t really want to see or talk to her again either, nor do I want to untangle her role in the abuse I suffered.

Yeah, my feelings regarding this are pretty damned mixed right now.

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Eight Years – and another anniversary

Eight years of being out. A few days away from being married for a year.

We just bought a house last month. We’ve just about finished moving in, although some stuff is still in boxes. We have a proper “rec room” now, where the pachinko machines, pinball, and board games are being kept, with room to actually play it all.

The house doesn’t have a white picket fence, but I figure we can add that later. 🙂

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Hm

Sorry this anniversary post is just a little bit late, but life does get a little bit in the way sometimes.

So, now over seven years since I decided to step outside and just be who I am. A lot has happened in the last year.

I moved in with my partner, and a few weeks after the court findings became final, I married hir, just a quick trip to the courthouse for us. I’ve been married before, and had all the pomp and circumstance happen then. We still need to set up for a much more casual celebratory gathering.

We started a geekery gaming video show on YouTube called “TG256”. As of this writing, 6 episodes have been posted. We’re not aiming to be incredibly prolific with it.

And pretty much all the potential novelty of being transgender has worn off at this point. Obviously, I’m not stopping with expressing it – to do so would be a short, twisty road into madville – but it’s very much now just a part of the background noise of my life, and how I live it.

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New account!

So, I just opened a Tumblr, and found out my preferred username was already taken. http://lynnincolorado.tumblr.com 

I plan on using it for musings too random or out there for this blog, and that are really too wordy for my Twitter feed.

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Now entering Year Seven

About the only thing that’s changed is that I’ve picked up a romantic partner. Her name is Chris, and she is, if anything, more transgender than I am, if that makes sense.

We’ve actually been dating for a while. Pretty much all our friends know at this point. We’re planning on moving in together next year, as well.

I’ve also been the major inspiration and impetus to her to get out of the closet and out into the world.

It’s not a smooth road, but it sure looks a lot better than the last several romantic relation paths I’ve taken.

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Well…

…I guess I’m not as heart-healed as I thought.

As I thought about it on the way home tonight from a family gathering, that I’ve lived for five years with my inability to self describe as being a nice person without qualifying it with “try to be”, I suddenly got angry at Caradoc, because it sank in that, in a very real way, he still has had a hold on my life in some small but important way. The depth of the anger surprises me, given the amount of time, but I suppose it was a long time in coming.

So, I have two words now. Fuck. Him. I’m gonna take this back from him, and end what little remnant of his influence on me.

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